Lesson 1: Love Without Conditions Requires the Cross, Not Just Chemistry

(Romans 5:8, 1 John 4:19)

In year one, choosing love can feel easy. But by year eight, you’ve seen each other tired, frustrated, maybe even broken. That’s where true love starts… where you choose to love like the example we see in the Bible: not for what the other gives, but because (you’ve been loved first) by God.

• Ask: “What does love require of me today?”
• Choose: To serve without expecting applause.
• Remember: chemistry fades; covenant doesn’t.

Lesson 2: The Real Fight Isn’t With Each Other—It’s For Each Other

(Ephesians 6:12, Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)

It’s easy to make your spouse the enemy when life gets hard. But remember that there is a real spiritual war trying to divide what God has united. Unity isn’t passive… it is a daily choice.

• Stop mid-argument and say: “Let’s pause. I love you. Let’s fight this, not each other.”
• Pray: Do this together and out loud even if it feels awkward.
• Call out the lies: (“I’m not heard,” “I’m not enough”) and replace them with truth.

Lesson 3: Small Resentments Grow Into Big Walls

(Hebrews 12:15, Matthew 18:21-22)

Most marriages don’t crash… they corrode. Bitterness starts with small things we never address and we wonder how you got here. But resentment doesn’t just happen, it develops over time.

• Don’t say: “It’s fine” when it’s not. Use “I felt ______when ______”  – by being willing to talk and have open conversations, you create the possibility for connection.
• Forgive daily: Sometimes hourly. Forgiveness is a bridge, not absolution.
• Check your heart: Determine if there something you’re holding that needs to be released?

Lesson 4: Vulnerability Feels Risky, But It’s the Only Path to Intimacy

Genesis 2:25, James 5:16

Emotional safety is more intimate than physical touch. Being fully known and still loved is a picture of the gospel.

• Ask weekly: “What’s something you’ve been carrying lately that I haven’t seen?”
• Confess when you’ve messed up—without defensiveness.
• Create safety by listening to understand, not to respond.

Lesson 5: Your Marriage Grows When You Grow—Individually and Together

(Romans 12:2, Proverbs 4:23)

You can’t expect your marriage to thrive if you’re spiritually or emotionally stagnant. Growth must be intentional for you personally before you can ever grow together.

• Read The Bible:  Do this separately and together.
• Get Wise Counsel:Do this not because you’re failing, but because you want to keep growing.
• Make space for your spouse: Over time people evolve. Seasons change and so do people… Don’t box them into who they were 5 years ago.

Lesson 6: If You Win the Argument, But Lose Each Other—You’ve Lost

(Proverbs 15:1, James 1:19-20, Philippians 2:2-4)

In marriage, it’s not “me vs. you”…. it needs to be “us vs. the problem.” When you argue to win, you both lose. But when you seek to understand, you build unity even in the midst of conflict. Decide how you can WIN TOGETHER, not pit yourself against the other. 

• Pause mid-argument and ask: “Am I trying to win, or working towards winning together?”
• Trade pride for curiosity: You can do this by saying things like, “Help me understand what that means to you.” or “tell me how I can better connect right now.”
• Remember: When you choose to win together, that means prioritizing connection over being right.

Marriage isn’t a courtroom—it’s a covenant.

Lesson 7: Joy Isn’t Found in Escape—It’s Found in Presence

(Psalm 16:11, Philippians 4:11-13)

Choosing to chill out by watching TV, scrolling, or even ministry can feel easier than intentionally engaging with your spouse at the end of a long day. But joy can grow and connection/intimacy will happen when we show up intentionally with one another.

• Create Intentional Moments: Have a “no phone zone” (e.g., during meals or 30 minutes before bed).
• Laugh often: Inside jokes = emotional glue.
• Play: Don’t wait for vacations to reconnect—bring play into the everyday.

Lesson 8: Marriage Is a Mirror, Not a Fixer

(James 1:23-25, Ephesians 5:25-27)

When you choose someone, make a covenant and do everyday life together, it reveals your brokenness more than it solves it. Some people think that marriage completes you… but your spouse isn’t your savior… Jesus is. Your marriage can make you holy. Because God uses your spouse and your relationship to show you what is not working (IN) you… We all have an (ideal) in life, but often that is projected on other people, not ourselves. The sooner you choose to grow personally and focus on what God wants to do (IN) you –  the faster you will get more of what you want out of your relationship. Because really what you are looking for is answered through your relationship with God, not in the person you married. Marriage is incredible and such a gift, but God never meant for a person to “COMPLETE” you, God already made you complete in Him. However, your spouse is designed to (complement) you… and they cannot do that well, if your main focus is on something external. 

• Ask: “What is God showing me about myself through this…?”
• Pray Your Way: Don’t try to change your spouse — pray for them, love them, and let God work.
• Focus On The Good: Celebrate progress, not perfection.

Set a Vision for the Future.

When life feels like it’s falling apart, it’s easy to get lost in the chaos. But taking ownership starts with looking beyond the current struggle. Reflect on the bigger picture and set a vision for the future. “For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you a hope and a future.” (Jeremiah 29:11). This verse reminds us that even in the hardest times, God has a plan for our lives—a plan that is filled with hope and purpose. Create a vision for the future that aligns with that truth, and trust that this season is part of a bigger picture.

Give Yourself Grace.

One of the hardest things to do when life is tough is give yourself mercy when you miss the mark. During tough times, it’s natural to feel frustrated, overwhelmed, or even like you’re failing. But taking ownership means treating yourself with the same care and empathy you would offer a friend. Jesus reminds us to love ourselves as we love others: “Love your neighbor as yourself.” (Matthew 22:39). Most people do not love ourselves well and some of us are capable of extending mercy to someone we deeply love, but find it difficult to be kind to ourselves and forgive ourself when we mess up and acknowledge that we are doing the best we can in what may be a difficult circumstance. You need to understand that God’s grace is sufficient for you, even in moments of weakness. “But he said to me, My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” (2 Corinthians 12:9).

See Challenges as Opportunities to Grow.

When you are in a season that brings the unexpected, you are also capable of massive amounts of growth, but only if you choose to see challenges as opportunities. “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.” (James 1:2-3). And instead of viewing that difficult thing as the ultimate setback, what if you chose to see it as a refining process. I have seen God use my own challenges to develop perseverance, character, and faith in my life. And when you face things that are not easy and even unexpected, remind yourself that God is working through you and has a desire to shape you into the person He has called you to be. When the enemy things he is setting you up to fail, God is setting you up to win!

Take The Right Steps, Even When It’s Hard.

Ownership means taking responsibility for your own actions, no matter how tough things get. When life feels out of control, it’s easy to shut down and stay where you have always been or worse. But through taking small, consistent positive actions—even when they feel insignificant— You are actually taking back your control and momentum. The Bible encourages us to act in faith: “In the same way, faith by itself, if it is not accompanied by action, is dead.” (James 2:17). Even in the hardest seasons, take steps towards what you CAN do to make things better, these are steps of faith— and whether it’s praying, reaching out for help, or simply honoring God when others do not. These seemingly small acts of obedience and trust will help you take steps forward into the possibilities God has in your future.

Lead Yourself.

We must lead ourself with integrity, resilience, and choose a mindset of growth. By leading yourself to do your best, when the worsts are happening  – And you choose to honor God no matter what in your thoughts, emotions and actions, you begin to build your inner strength and attitude that will shape your outcomes. The Bible speaks of the importance of self-discipline and perseverance: “I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 3:14). When life is difficult, press forward toward the person you are becoming, the person God made you to be. You can stand in your values and set a strong foundation for your life, so that you can stand, no matter the storms that come your way.

Get Around The Right People.

While you are personally responsible to lead yourself, you don’t have to do it alone. It is vital to recognize that who you are is built from the voices you listen to and the company you keep. And when you need help and you are looking for someone to lean on — You must ask yourself, are the people around me living a life I admire and do they have things I want to learn from? Taking ownership for your life and leading yourself also includes asking yourself if you are around the right people. Do they have similar or the same values? Do they want to be their best for God? Have you even thought about who you intentioanlly listen to or spend your time with? Because if your life isn’t better because they are around and you are not inspired to grow – You may be around the wrong people. The Bible tells us, “Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.” (Galatians 6:2). I don’t know about you, but I want to be around people who I can not only trust, but that I can learn from and be inspired by. You are not meant to go through life, or take on hard times, or carry your burdens alone. God wants us to have people around us that we can  look to for encouragement and strength, people that will stand with us and pray with us during tough times.